Slipping Through My Fingers

Being a lifelong ABBA fan, we of course have been into “Mama Mia” the musical since before the movie came out, Jake and I checked out the “Mama Mia” Broadway cast CD from the library for about 3 months (we kept renewing or returning and checking it out again), so when the movie came out Jake was pretty excited to see it. I was a bit more hesitant, as the story line of a young girl, who has no idea who her father is because there are three possible men, is a bit iffy, but we decided to go for it anyway, and as I expected most the details go right over Jake’s head, and really it’s back to my old “it’s better then Grease” excuse. We of course went out and purchased the “Mama Mia” CD and have been listening to it non-stop around our house. In fact after we went to Grandma’s & Grandpa's on Sunday Jake insisted we “drive longer” so we could listen to more music, so we took the very scenic route home, and we both sang ABBA songs at the top of our lungs (mostly to cover up having to listen to Pierce Bronson sing which is a bit painful).

Like most moms (I would guess) I cry every time I hear the song “Slipping Through My Fingers” (I sobbed through that part of the movie) which Jake tells me is “ridiculous” (this is his new favorite word), but as we approach Jake’s first day of kindergarten next week I think the song has been hitting me particularly hard (the lyrics for those not into ABBA, I changed the pronoun):

“Schoolbag in hand, he leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent minded smile
I watch him go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a little while.
The feeling that I’m loosing him forever
And without really entering his world
I’m glad when I can share his laughter
My funny little boy.

Chorus:

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in his mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
He keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, him and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when he’s gone there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures?
The places I planned for us to go.
Some of that we did, but most we didn’t,
And why I just don’t know.

Repeat Chorus

I can’t believe how quickly my little boy is growing up, it does feel like it’s slipping through my fingers much too fast. How many night do I have left where he wants me to rock him to sleep? No many I’m guessing, nor many more where he gets in bed with me, and has to lay touching me just to make sure I’m still there. Way too soon, me being near him all the time, is going to be the most annoying thing a mom can do, and the “I can do it myself” will extend way beyond putting on his clothes, shoes, and brushing his teeth. The constant toddler babbling of every thought he had in his head, and the constant barrage of questions has already stopped. He’s already thinking more, and keeping more to himself, he has an entire internal world that I don’t always know about, and even at 5 if I ask him what he’s doing or thinking he often replies “nuffin”.

I know the impulse to keep him small, and protected is selfish, and ultimately impossible, he needs to enter the world, to be part of things that are bigger than him, his family, his small circle of love that has always embraced him. There are of course scary things out there, things I wish I could protect him from but I know I can’t, but there are so many wonderful things out there to learn about and see; and I can’t wait for him to start experiencing them as well. I can't wait to see what adventures he's going to have, even those without me, because they will help turn him into the person he's going to be, and if it's anything like the person he is so far, it's going to be amazing. In the next 12 years an entire world will open up for him as he peers into all the wonderful places, people and things that formal education provides. I feel blessed that I think I’m giving Jake to very capable hands for this part of his education experience.

Next week my little man will put on a new Spongebob shirt, and his Kung Fu Panda back-pack, and start the formal part of the adventure that started at his birth and will continue through his life, the one where you learn new stuff, and meet new people, and not all of it is fun, in fact much of it is painful, but some of it is so wonderful, you can’t keep the excitement in (I still remember the rush that came the first time I realized I could read, and I could read just about anything I set my mind to, and this whole new world opened up).

I hope he always wants to be in Science Club because science is “sweet”, and I hope he always knows that this adventure called life is also sweet, even when it's not quite what you expected.