Blogging Break...For Now

It's been a few weeks since I've had time to sit down and write an entry, and sad to say at this point I don't think I've really missed it, so I've decided to take a blogging break for awhile. I'm doing it for a couple reasons:

1- Blogging was something I was able to do, once a week (occasionally more) on my lunch break at work. It was a perfect time for it, I was already at a computer, I was already in the "work" writing mode (I do a lot of writing at work), so jumping over to "personal" didn't take much extra time, and it was a section of my day that I could calendar, plan, and put aside so that I didn't have any distractions. The law requires that if you work in the public sector you take a certain period out of said work day to have a break, that is pretty handy because my "other life" outside of work has no such legal requirement. At the beginning of the year, for reasons that let's be honest make lots of sense (one can waste A LOT of time reading and writing blogs, and that doesn't even touch on other "social networking sites" like Facebook, which can really bite into the work day of even the most dedicated employee) all social networking and personal sites including blogs were blocked on our office network. I have no issue with that, I didn't spend a lot of time on blogs but enough were I can see it as an overall issue, and as I said it makes sense. That said, that puts a big crimp in my blogging ability. I generally spend about 8 1/2 to 9 hours in the office each day, and there is at least 45 minutes to commute back and forth to work, which is about 10 hours a day. Mornings are taken with getting ready, feeding Jake, bathing Jake, getting him ready for the day, and getting homework done, not really time for an extra half hour to write a blog, and I'm not going to get up at 6:00 to do it, I'm just not a morning person. Evenings are full of dinner, time with Jake, putting him to bed, laundry, dishes, and finally crashing, and at that point writing a blog entry just feels like more "work", one more thing that has to get done, in an already packed schedule. There is a lot going on, and I'm not complaining, but something (more than one some thing some days) has to give, and this feels like the right thing.

2- I'm just not "feeling" this mode of journaling right now. It's not the first time I've mentioned that I'm not 100% comfortable with the "public" nature of this type of communicating, and right now I'm especially not comfortable with it. There is just too much going on, nothing in this blog is a lie per se, but this basic weekly glossing over of the day to day stuff Jakey and I are doing feels a bit ridiculous right now. Six months ago our family fell apart, we're o.k., we're dealing with that, we're surviving, and we've been very blessed with a lot of help. Emotionally though, I'm raw, much more so than I was 6 months ago, that is the amazing thing about us humans, initially we just buckle down and do what has to be done, all the feelings, at least for me, take awhile to catch up to just the immediacy of everyday living. I'm grieving the life I thought I had, I'm missing the person I thought I was going to spend it with, I'm heartbroken that that person doesn't seem to exist anymore, and I'm not sure what life is going to look like in the future. It's not my style to dwell on that, opening up about where I'm most vulnerable has never been my style, telling everyone what I feel (I have no issues telling anyone what I think :) ) isn't who I am, and at 40 it's probably not who I'm going to start being. What I know for sure is it's certainly not suddenly going to happen in this very public forum. I don't have it in me to open up like that, and without that honestly this entire blog just feels silly and ridiculous, right now. There is a big elephant (at least to me) sitting right in the middle of this blog, and at this moment, I don't want to write about it, and not writing about it, doesn't make the elephant any less there.

So I'm going to take a break, I have no idea for how long, as long as it takes I suppose to figure out if this is something I will enjoy again, and if I do, in what way I enjoy it. Right now though, that extra half hour or forty five minutes I have each day for some "down time", well let's just say I would rather spend it curled up in front of the fireplace, with my Ipod, listening to Patsy Cline (actually I just downloaded the 60th Birthday tribute to Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I have a lot of cheesy musicals to catch up on).

I'll be back...I think...