Those Precious Few Moments

So taking Jennie's advice on having advent activites, we decided a couple days ago to start doing that, I counted decorting the tree for Monday, Tuesday we went shopping and shopping is an activity, Wednesday we put up the advent villiage and filled it with treats. Wasn't sure what to do for last night, but we have a Christmas story advent calendar so we already read a Christmas story everynight and then put it on the tree. I went and found another book and we sat on the couch reading about what happens at Christmas all over the world. We discovered a lot of places do some fun things for Epiphany on January 6, so we're going to try to do something fun then as well. Just as we were reading we got a visit from Jake's secret elf. He was so excited that he insisted that we do our secret elf right then, except I hadn't planned to do it until today because I didn't have anything. Luckily we found some Christmas treats, some Christmas brownies, and Jake knew just what his cousin would like, and wanted to give him something special from his room. We had a bit of a struggle with secret elf last year (Jake didn't want to give the stuff to anyone he wanted to keep it) so seeing him get so into this was a lot of fun.

When we came home we sat down in the kitchen by the fireplace (I put some furniture in there so I had room for my Christmas stuff), and I was playing with the idea of not only sending cards this year, but actually attempting a Christmas letter that wasn't sarcastic. So I sat down next to Jake and asked him "what were your favorite things we did this year" (favorite was our trip to Yellowstone/Jackson followed closely with going to Lake Mead with Cade and Austin), after we covered all the great things we've had a chance to do, I did something that I never really thought of before but seemed it might be a bit dangerous. I asked him what the very worst things that happened to him this year were. Luckily he couldn't think of many except "school was the worst thing ever invented", and then he said "you want to know what the very worst day of my life". And I did, and he told me, and suddenly for the first time since his dad left I found myself in a conversation with Jake about all the emotions he's felt the last two years. I've been digging towards that for a long time, he's been to stoic, and brave, and I've wondered if he needs someone more objective to talk to, if he's angry at me, and/or feels like he's going to upset me. I sat and listened to him tell me what he felt, what he was thinking, moments I didn't even know about, things that concern him, pieces he's put together, and questions I think he's been afraid to ask. It was heartbreaking, but also so reassuring as I listened to my 7/8 year old express a level of understanding and maturity I didn't even know he had, and as much as I've worried the last few year, and all the stats. you read about what happens to kids from "broken" home, I realized just how well adjusted and brave this little boy has been. He wants to understand this disease the took his dad away from him, from us, and I don't know the right words, so I just try to be as open and honest, and in tune as I can be to give him what he needs.

He finally told me he really hates drugs, and I told him I did too, and he went on to say "mom during red ribbon week in 1st and 2nd grade when we were talking about stories of bad things that happen because of drugs, I told everyone that one of the bad things about drugs is that my dad took them, and then you had to get divorce, and I miss him." He then asked me if that was o.k., and I told him that was very brave, that sometimes at red ribbon week you learn about drugs, but you don't really know how much they can hurt people, it will make a difference for his friends when they know that drugs can hurt anyone, even someone in their class. My heart was breaking, in a way it hasn't ever before.

We sat and talked for literally 4 hours, the time flew by, and the next thing I knew it was 11:00 on a school night, and he needed to go to bed. I remember when I was a teenager coming home, and mom would sit in the living room on the couch, and we would talk and the next thing I knew it would be morning. I've never been good at expressing emotion, and those times were important because I tend to bottle stuff up. That has been one of my biggest lifelong struggles is my inability to find a healthy outlet for my negative emotion, to feeling sad, disappointed, hurt and esp. angry, they are there and I've never know what to do with them until they pile so high I'm overwhelmed. That has been something I really didn't want for Jake, I want him to learn how to express what he feels. It's taking some time and a lot of "that is a completely inappropriate way to express anger", but it's good to know you are making progress, and you are doing something to teach what you hoped you were teaching

I didn't sleep much last night, I watched Jake sleep, thought about all he'd said, and realized that at almost 8 years old he's dealt with things that I never have, I had amazing parent that I know were always there no matter what. He's gone to bed one night and woke up to a parent gone, and nothing he could do about it. He's woken up from nightmares afraid he's going to find me gone. I can't imagine that, he's had to understand things that I didn't even think about until I was an adult. And he told me that no matter what he thinks he has an awesome mom and dad. Which is pretty amazing considering the mistakes we make all the time.

I look at how he's bloomed that last few months, how he's embracing responsibility (although he still isn't so good about helping clean up) Rob was amazed when he was here a few weeks ago that Jake came home and sat right down and immediately did his homework without anyone saying anything. Sometimes I forget to be amazed by him, and I shouldn't even do that.

There aren't a lot of parenting moments where the rewards are immediate, where you aren't correcting, and steering and guiding, and hoping you are doing it right. Even with the tears, and the heartbreak I realized that last night I had one of those precious moment. I got a quick glimpse of the man he can become, and I realized that my baby is growing up, and despite me he's doing an amazing job of it.

One of the things he asked about last night was for me to tell him the story about him being born, he loves hearing that story, and asks me to tell it all the time. He then asked if I liked him best when he was a baby, and I told him that when he was a baby I hoped he would stay a baby forever, but then he was one, and I loved it so much that I hope he stayed on forever, and then he was 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6, and now I think 7 is my very favorite. He said "so it gets better every year?, and then "mom what do you like best about me right now". I wish I had more time, I wish I had all night to tell him all the things I like best about him.

But I settled for one as we walked back to go to bed, I said the thing I like best about you is your amazing honesty, never once in your whole life have to told me a lie (apparently he has told me one, which he made sure to confess), you tell me when you've done something you think is wrong immediately, instad of trying to hide it.

What i didn't tell him was that the best thing about 7 is how much he trusts me, how willing he was to tell me everything he did, and hope I hope and pray with everything I have that continues. What I truly love most about a 7 year old, a 6 year old, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, year olds is that they never cease to amaze you, and as hard as it is, and as often as you don't feel up to the task, these are the moments when you realize why you do, and why you wanted to do this parenting thing.

Tomorrow I will go back to bugging him, and making him do Saturday chores that aren't fair, and that I never let him do all the cools things his friend moms let me do. Today though I'm living in the glow of a moment I hope I remember forever.