Dementors

I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, I'm not sure what it is about the entire concept that I find so entertaining, but they are some of the few books where I've read them multiple times, like the movies, and have loved listening to them on audio book as well (the person doing the audiobook is probably the best I've ever heard). One of the most memorable parts of Harry Potter for me was introduce in the "Prisoner of Azkaban", the dementors. These are the creatures that preside over the prison of the wizarding world, and basically what the creatures do is incapacitate people by sucking all of the joy out of life, and leaving behind only the worst memories, feelings, and experiences. They are some pretty terrifying creatures for a children'e book series and the most terrifying part is I've been to that prison, and carry a dementor around with me, and I never know when it will become active again.

I don't much talk about dealing with being bi-polar, for many reasons, the stigma, the fact that most people don't really "get" it, and the fact that unlike many diseases you can pass yourself off as normal a good amount of the time (at least I can as I don't rapid cycle). The depression is what people tend to see the most, because when I'm manic I'm a lot of fun, and most people don't pull you aside to say "you are too happy right now, you might want to get that looked into". Even if someone did pull you aside to let you know that you are too happy, you probably wouldn't listen because, well, who doesn't want to be happy, excited, bursting with energy etc.? There are problems with that though, just like being "high" on drugs, this kind of happiness strips you of important parts of who you are, you become reckless, convinced of your own power to do anything, and practically incapable of looking at the consequences of your actions. I'm not a run through the street naked kind of bi-polar person, but it still isn't much sometimes, like having an evil twin come in and wreck parts of your life, and then scurry away to leave you dealing with the aftermath.

And then the dementors come, and take away everything good about you, leaving behind this empty shell, you are in a dark tunnel alone and feeling like you will never get out again. Depression makes getting out of bed seem like running a marathon that you haven't begun to prepare for, showering makes you cry, the only thing you feel capable of pulling off on any given day is laying in a fetal position and putting your full concentration on breathing. Then you get the anxiety, suddenly you are afraid to walk out of your house, because you are positive that everywhere you go people know what a big loser you are, and how you are incapable of pulling off even the simplest tasks. You are convinced that even the people that love you just do so, because they feel sorry for you, and they only want to help because they think you are too stupid to do anything on your own. Almost ever thought you have is distorted, but you can't figure that out. You loose interest in all the things that you enjoy, and then you loose the ability to even concentrate on the simplest things, watching T.V. is out, reading a book is out, so you have plenty of time to think about how horrible everything is and how this time you just aren't strong enough to make it, this time it's too much, it's too overwhelming, and it's just easier to give up. You are a prisoner in your own head, and all you want to do is get out.

I'm very blessed to live in a time where they are developing more and more options for treating mental illness, but even with that, mental illness is still one of the most misunderstood diseases there is, both for the general public, and even for health professionals. Leaps and bounds have been made in the last 50 years, but there is still a long way to go. In the mean time you, the doctors, and those that love you do the best they can. You keep hoping you will be able to push those dementors away, and someday, with some luck, far enough away that they never find you again.

And you are very greatful that this time around you found the strength, and something really important to live for (a sweet little red head) and get a chance to see a light at the end of the tunnel, right now it's a faint light, but it's still there.