Nerds, Cool Guys, and Weirdos

So as we were eating dinner the other night (out, because I was too lazy to cook) and Jake brought up a very delicate subject for me, that of labels, not the kind on your shirt (although that can be part of it) but the you carry around with you to define who you are. It's amazing to me how young it starts, and how much I have no good solution to this issue as a parent.

I know that as social animals humans long to be part of a group, and we are all part of various groups in our lives, from religious groups, to book clubs, to "people that really get into the Twilight series". It's a completly natural and normal part of being human, and while I didn't really identify with any "group" for a long time (eventually I was part of the choir group, although now I want to call it "girls glee club" because that sounds much cooler) I don't necessarily know if that was a good thing. I could (and do) freely go back and forth between groups, I got along with pretty much everyone, but I wasn't for much of my life enough a part of anything to be included in activities, it's not that people didn't like me enough to hang out with me, I'm just kind of invisible, no one thought much about me, and I'm often too shy to know how to fix that. I wanted to go to the parties and group activites, and I'm sure if anyone had known how much, they wouldn't have had a problem inviting me, but they didn't know, they didn't think about me, and I didn't fit in solidly enough with any group, to have it be obvious that I should be invited. I'm still that way to some extent, it's been an issue all my life.

So I planned to have the magic answer for this issue for my child, the one where I say "you want to belong but you don't want to be pigeon holed into any one group, and you want to be kind to everyone, but you want close friends, and you want to get involved, but you should be aware of other people, and make sure you aren't so involved in everything that you don't do anything well, and make sure you look out for the underdog, try to be a leader, and not give in to peer pressure, but make good decisions if you are going to be a leader so you don't lead others down the wrong path, be creativy, explore lots of different things, but don't pigeon hole yourself, and don't define yourself by one thing because you are so much more than that.", and he would completely understand, and move on with confidence in who he is, and where he belongs, only wondering why mom has an issue with run-on sentences.

So when Jake began to describe the boys as school as either Nerds (these are the super smart guys that aren't very good a soccer), Cool Guys (good as soccer but not quite as smart), or Weirdos (we were a bit unclear exactly what fit into this group, but mainly it was the people that weren't good at soccer, but weren't all that smart either, the funny guys that just weren't all that cool), he wanted to know what group he fit into.

I was trying to figure out the "right" thing to say. I wanted to say something super mom like "let's not classify the boys based on these kind of rigid stereotypes, everyone is good at something, we just need to be nice to everyone". I thought about running out to get a quick copy of "The Breakfast Club", but I didn't figure putting lipstick on with your boobs was a skill he needed to know about yet. All the things I'd planned to tell him at this moment sounded so good in my head, until I looked in my son's face and knew instantly that he just wanted to know that he fit in, that he belonged, and that he was part of a group of people that valued the same things he did, and found him to be of value as well. He didn't necessarily need to hear the "we are all special" talk, he needed to hear the "you are special, and other people beside your mom recognize that".

So I said "well which group do you want to be part of?". I figured if we could figure that out, we would have a goal to shoot for. I also figured this wasn't the perfect mom answer.

We discussed very seriously the various points of each group, he told me that he's pretty smart, but he's also good at soccer so he was somewhere between a nerd and a cool guy most of the time, but he can be a weirdo. Apparently cool guys have cool zip of hoodies like the ones you can get at the Gap as opposed to the kind of nerdy Adidas ones he has with no hood. Apparently nerds like to read chapter books, and talk about Greek Gods, and Space, and stuff like that. Apparently weirdos were usually pretty funny, and everyone thinks they are "hilarious" even though they are kind of weird sometimes. Apparently there is nothing really negative about being in any of these groups, and apparently Jake is a bit of each, thus why he was confused.

I told him he didn't have to decide right now if he was a nerd, cool guy, or weirdo, that there were plenty of years to find groups of people he liked and felt comfortable with, and he would change many times over the years. I told him to be who he is, and that it would all fall into place. I hope that is the right answer, because sometimes it doesn't all fall into place, and it's only going to get more complicated. Next it's going to be goths, skaters, hip-hop, emo, preppy, or whatever the groups are now or will be in the future. Whatever the labels are that start to define us, and eventually confuse and confine us.

I also told him to keep on reading, being funny, and I would go buy him a cool hoodie, in case he needs one.

I don't know if that was the right answer, I want him to be accepted, to be part of things that are bigger than he is, but I want him to understand and value diversity, and the strengths that are in all kinds of different people, even when he doesn't share their interests or point of view.

As for me, at times I've been a nerd, a cool gal, and a weirdo, and I wouldn't have it any other way.