Divorce Ettiquette

I was reading an article on-line about Divorce ettiquette and what you should do when someone in your family or friends is going through a divorce. I can attest from personal experience that people really are pretty clueless on this one, sickness, death, etc. are hard but people seem to have some idea of the proper way to react.

So I thought it was a good topic for future reference for dealing with it in ways that are helpful. Some I took from the article and some just from my experience.

1- If you have kids and children are involve in the divorce, esp. in family please take the time to explain what divore is ane what their friend is experiencing. This came from the site but this one was the one I struggled with the most, and really I had a hard time with, I don't want to make anyone feel bad but "just in case" this is really huge. I just assume that much like if Jake's dad had died, everyone would set down and talk to their family about what was going on, what divorce meant, and why they wouldn't see much of Uncle Rob, and what a hard time this was for Jake and our family. That this would be a "family" moment with everyone gathing around us not secrets. I was stunned that didn't happen, and it didn't even know what to say.
To this day I still have no idea what went on wiht that, and I didn't know how to talk about it because it hurt. Not to pick on Jennie, but I remember quite awhile after the divorce Jennie posting on her blog that Lexie had asked about divorce, and how she hated explaining it, because of a reality couple split, and it made me cry (sorry Jen) I couldn't believe my that Lex was told in such a way that made it seem so bad instead of gently when it happened to us, I couldn't believe the emphasis was on how horrible it was knowing that this was part of our family. I now divore is hard in our culture but if there is a divorce in your family please don't explain to your kids as one those horrible sinful things that should not be mention. Again not to make anyone feel bad, but how are they going ot react to us, if that is what they have been told divorce is, something that only happens to bad people. I know you want to assure your children that their family is fine but remember that what you tell them is how they view our family, and that is super hard. I know there was no intent hurt or harm, and there is not rule book but it's super important that this is given respect and recognized just as you would a death, the death of our family deserved recognition. It never occurred to me that was something i should tell people, I honestly though our family knew how hard this was, how much pain we were in and would deal with that at home kindly to explain what Jake was going through, and that this was a really hard time for him I didn't realize that wasn't happening until Jake started telling me that he had to explain it, that the kids had no clue his parents were getting a divorce. He barely knew what it was, that was pretty hard for him, so if anyone is ever dealing with divorce with a child close to them please explain it to your kids, don't expect the poor child to know how to deal with. and explain it to your kids. Now hard feeling it's a hard thing for everyone, but I guess I just need to get that out there.

Not to put people on the spot by why didn't you talk to your families about it, can I ask why that didn't seem really important to you all? I really would like to understand that because ot me it was like a death in the family and something everyone would make sure to talk about. Also was their something I should have said to so you knew that it is really something that the kids should have known?

2- Ask the child about their parent, If again a parent died people would talk about them, remember good memories and fun times, and make a big effort to make sure that the parent was recognized as a loss, and an important part of everyone's life. No matter the circumstances the child lost their parent, and there is not shame in that, nor should there be an implication that dad/mom was bad and therefore shouldn't be talked about. Talk about their mom/dad just like they were an important part of everyone's life because they were.

3- It's isn't approrpriate no matter the circumstances to assume or allude to "I bet you are glad he/she is gone" you aren't no matter how ugly, or how long coming the person lost their spouse, the person they loved, and it hurt really badly. A good rule of thumb is whatever you would say to a grieveing spouse at a funeral is appopriate during a divorce, and I'm fairly sure no one would say that after a death. The two things are not the same, but the loss is just as real, and at death, people still recognize how wonderful the person was and that imp0rtant love, and you need that recognized during a divorce as well, a spouse is a spouse, it hurt to loose them, no matter what.

4- Only ask how the divorce is going when the ex-spouse is alone it's really uncomfortable if the child is there, and you need the outlet to be honest. So take them aside and ask.

5- Divorce is not contagious, this one was really weird for me but people acted like if they talked about my divorce, the reasons and what was going on would cause them to wake up and be seperated, there was their weird message of "don't talk about divorce in front of my perfect marriage", it's hard enough without a reminder that people actually think you could end two marriages.

6- This worst time is about six month after the divorce, lots of people around and lots of concern, and then it's six month, and you are a single parent, and completely alone, and it's not something to get through it is now your life, every single day without your spouse. Everyone else has moved on and assumed you have too, so it's not a bad idea to visit then instead of at the beginning.

7- When a child is involved ask the other parent how they are explaining and discussing the divorce, not only so you don't say someting inappropriate but so you know not what the child may say. In our case I was very open with Jake about his dad's drug addiction and that is what Jake would have talked about. It shocked some people that it wouldn't have if they asked, and the reaction was hard on both of us.

Really the biggest thing is that you will probably feel uncomfortable or not know exaclty what to do and say, so please just ask, how you can help, how the person feels, etc. Remember a family died, and it feels like it, so be tender, and respect what has been lost no matter how good a thing you may thing it is, and how glad you are to see the person gone.