Warning!!! Toxic, with a full dose of angst!

It's been a bad couple of weeks for me, I'm really grieving with the death of Aunt Ann, for many reasons, and I've just felt extremely heavy (much the same way I felt after Spencer died, and for many of the same reasons).

Grieving is part of life, if we never eperienced grief, we wouldn't never know love. And I love Aunt Ann and her family, and I can't imagine loosing my mom, and unfortunately while not the same thing can all to well at least some of the pain of loosing a spouse. Divorce and death are very different, but have a lot of similarities as well. I can't imagine not at leasting knowing the person I loved so much was here somewhere, that is it's own kind of grief. But with death, that person still gets to remain the wonderful person you love. It's not a competition, loosing the person, but not the love is heartbreaking, as is loosing the love but not the person. Bottom line is that you have lost your "other half" and it's a pain that is impossible to describe, and hard to see anyeone you love deal with. It's also one of those things, that heals with time, yet continues to sneak up on you at unexpected times no matter how much time goes by. Uncle Marlin is constanly in my thoughts the last week or so.

To be whiny, and not at all empathetic to others, the other things that have really been bothering me, are pretty selfish. You would think that the fact that I lost my job, am loosing my house, and am unsure about what is going to happen next would be on my mind, and weirdly that isn't the biggest thing at all. This malaise is really not unique, anyone with a chronic health condition that requires constant maintenance will have the same one. The medications they have now to treat things like bi-polar disorder are nothing short of miracles esp. if you know the history. That said there are no medications without side effects, and for some reason I seem to get a lot of them, if I took Viagra, I would be the person in the hospital after more than 4 hours. :) I've taken medications in the past for this that have literally left me catatonic, so I feel a bit petty, but here it goes. Some of the side effects of my current medication routine are nausea, headaches, confusion, extreme menstral cramps, and insomnia. At least of the 101 side effects of the medications those are the ones I really struggle with. I don't remember the last time I didn't have a headache, it's not a migraine, more like the kind of headache you would get if say, you drank caffiene everyday, and then stopped one day (what was referred to for many years by dad as his "Sunday headache" :) ). Not crippling but always there, as is the nausea, much like morning sickness, and the only thing that seems to help is eating something, which isn't good when you are trying really hard to eat less (which is exactly why it's been worse the last couple weeks). The confusion is freaky, I will have moments where I have no idea where I am, it doesn't last more then a few seconds, but a few seconds on the freeway not knowing where you are or why your are there is really disconcerting. It seems to be happening more lately, and considering I'm also taking something to help my concentration (which has frankly been really amazing), being able to concentrate, and being confused is well weird. I don't even want to touch the mentral cramps, but let's just say that this month on one day, I was pretty sure the first 10 hours of labor with Jake weren't as bad (keep in mind I was in labor for 30+ hours so that was a small portion).

And finally the insomnia, that is also getting worse, and it's the hardest for me to deal with. Mom has dealt with if for decades so I know I can, but I'm whiny, and overwhelmed by it, and it's always worse not only as a side effect to my medication but when Im' stressed. It's a vicous cycle, when I don't get rest I don't deal well, and when I'm not dealing well I don't get rest. I had stopped taking meds for this, and honestly I don't want to go on them again, but here I am, it's 2:00 a.m., and I'm wide awake, even though I haven't slept more than 10 hours since last Thursday.

It sucks, first after awhile without sleep I can get really cranky, which Jake gets the brunt of, and it's not fair to him. Yesterday I yelled at him for hugging me too much. :( When you are telling your child to get out and leave you alone because he just wants to come be with you, that is a problem a big one. :( When I haven't had enough sleep I can't stand to be touched, which makes it really hard for a kid whose primary "love language" if you will is touch (I feel really bad for his future spouse, he got it from his dada, and it wasn't one of my better qualities as a wife either :) ). It's hard enough being the "mean mom" on things that really count, but I can tell you there is nothing that will make you feel like the worst parent in the world when you see the look on your child's face because you yelled at him for coming in an snuggling with you (while you try to take a nap, and deal with your headache), those are tears I just can't deal with (I'm crying just thinking of the look on his face yesterday). And like most vicious circles the more I want to be left alone, the more insecure he feels therefore the more he wants to be with me. Good times, man. I did better today, I just gritted my teeth, and gave him a nice backscratch before bed (considering my mom still gives my brother's back scratches I'm seeing where he could have inheritied this from both sides ;) ). If anyone wants to come cuddle with Jake (he needs at least 20-30 minutes a day), that would be great (not really he would die if he knew I posted this, no one is suppose to know how much he likes to cuddle, cool 2nd graders to NOT cuddle).

The other really bad thing with insomnia, is the night becomes this horrible time period that I just dread. I do pretty well most of the time dealing with lonliness, I have Jake, and frankly it's something I've had to deal with most of my life. I hate it, always have but it is what it is. And I'm fine during the day, but at night, there is nothing to do really (I don't want to disturb Jake's sleep, and he's a light sleeper so if I'm doing stuff about the house, he will wake up). The hours go so slow, it just draws on, and I'm not sure the answer, it's when I feel the most alone because frankly it is when I'm the most alone. Normal people aren't wide awake at 3:00 in the morning. I read a lot, I watch movies/documentaries, etc. on Netflix (the T.V. will wake up Jake as well, so the computer with headphones works great), but it still sucks. I was reading some information on sleep deprivation and people with extreme insomnia the other night, and it's pretty scary.

The frustating thing is that I'm trying to make changes in my life to be healthier, and it just seems that I can't ever get on top of it. I've cut out all caffiene, I've started getting up and walking everyday, I'm trying to eat healthier, and yet I can't sleep, and it makes me feel like I can't deal well with anything.

Taking a medication everyday is just part of my life, I know that, because I know what the alternative is, and really the side effects are better than being crazy. Well to be honest that isnt completely true, and why compliance is so hard for so many people with mental illnesses. There are parts of the illness that feel good, there is just on two ways about it, being maniac is one of the most dangerous things for me because of the choices I make at that time but being mania (I mostly experience hypomania) is actually pretty awesome, yeah I go on extreme spending sprees which get me in extreme financial problems, but it feels good, it really does. That is the scary part, because I can feel the hypomania under the medication (it's back there the medication keeps it from being full blown, but I still know when it's there), and I know if I stop taking the medication how great I will feel. But I also know that there is a price to pay for that, not only the scary things I do when I'm basically high on my own brain chemicals, but the crash that will inevitably follow, and the decent into hell which that is. I think that is the hardest part for both the person with a mental illness and those that love them, it's scary to both, and from the point of view of the person with the illness, it is really hard not only to give up that feeling, but to give up yourself. I loose me when I'm on medication, I just do, but I know I have to do it, it's a constant struggle.

And I know this is long, but that brings me to the thing that is really bothering me a lot lately, and is all that goes through my head in these hours where I can't sleep. During my last bad battle with depression, the doctor and I talked a lot about genetics, and causes. It's something I've read about extensively, because well that is who i am, I have to know everything I can about anything that interests or effects me (which has been hard as well, because I'm a good student, and unless it's someone that has specialized in bi-polar disorder, I often know more about it than the doctors, or LCSW that I'm sent to, which is another post altogether). We also talked a lot about my main fear which is Jake, with my history and his dad's his chances of developing his disorder are extremely high. In fact one of the things he said to me is "you should probably just plan on him dealing with it in some way so you are prepared". And yeah, I need to be to be his advocate, if it happens, but it is my worst fear (along with him getting involved with substance abuse another genetic time bomb he has). I try to stay positive but I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy, let alone the person I love most in the world. I have hope he will be lucky, he has literally a 90% chance of dealing with some form of bi-polar, but he could be in the 10%. I have to believe that, but I also have to watch for symptoms for early intervention (which is always the best), without over thinking everything. I'm super aware of the symptoms of early onset (childhood) bipolar, and it's hard to know sometimes what to do and think. He does have some of the symptoms: frequent mood swings, extremes of mood, easily distracted, restless, overly silly/goofy/giddy, racing thought, talking quickly, jumping from one subject to another. oversensitivity to emotion or environment, obsessive behavior, and fasination with morbid topics. He doesn't though have behavioral issues that also come with early onset, he doesn't struggle at school socially, his peers and teachers really like him, he doesn't "act out" in most cases. Most of his issues I see at home although some are starting to crop up at school, in the past few months he's been moved 4 times because he is goofing around and talking too much. It can't be too bad, as his teacher hasn't said a thing, he comes home and tells me he "had to move again because he was talking to XXX". I did bring it up at his last SEP but his teacher didn't seem to think it was anything to be concerned about.

I know this is terribly wrong, and I'm not really writing this for anyone to read I suppose, just to get something out that is really, really bothering me, and I'm not sure what to do with it. I can't live in fear of Jake having this illness, but I'm not sure how to prepare him or to prepare myself. I suppose that is why I tend to be overly focused on him having a "normal" and good childhood, because of the fear that this may be the most normal time in his life, it's one of the reasons I look back so fondly on my own childhood, and feel so blessed to have such a good one, because my adult years have been such a struggle. I don't want to see what isn't there, but I don't want to miss anything when I can get him help early. Teens and early adulthood are the most common time for bi-polar to first manifest, it scares me to death.

And frankly I battle feeling selfish, and guilty, I love him so much, he is the only thing I've done in my life that truly matters. All parents have to watch their children struggle because we all do, that is part of life, but watching your child suffer because of something you "gave" them instead of a choice they made (bad or good), seems so unfair, esp. when you knew you could give it to them. I decided that I was o.k. with taking the chance with his life, but was that fair? I have no idea, I know I'm not the only parent that has struggled with that decision as we find out more about genetics (it's why it's so important to me as a science, esp. as we find out more and more just how much genetics play a role in who we are), I just have a lot of time to thing about it.

I'm obviously happy to have been born, despite having this illness, and I'm so blessed to be born in a time when good treatments are available, even with hard side effects (had I been born 100 years ago, I would probably be locked up, dead, or executed because I had been possessed by demons, which is what happened for a scary amount ofOu history). I pray that the advance continue, in the next decade or so, who know what will be available for Jake. I'm also uniquely able to help him if he is ill because I know what to look for, and how it feels. He won't have to explain the things about this illness that are unexplainable if you haven't experienced it (and it's a blessing to have so many people that do really try so hard to understand). But as a parent I will know the very worst, I'm not a martyr, but you do try to protect those you love from somethings, and I have been able to do that to some extent but just talking about certain parts of my life, and this disease with professionals. If the people you love can't help with certain things, and it would make life bad for you and them (and you already have to deal with it you have no choice), my choice has always been to just deal with it, without causing them pain as well. Honestly that has been a comfort for me, one that neither Jake nor I will have.

As parents what we want for our kids is pretty simple, no matter how we, or parenting books, discussions etc. try to complicate it's not even the ever present "I want them to just be happy", that is ridiculous, no one is happy all the time, and that isn't even the goal (thus why it was so important for humans to leave the Garden of Eden, you don't learn and grow just being happy all the time), but really isn't our goal as parents "healthy"? Physically, emotionally, spiritually, we want to prepare them to have a healthy life of growth and possibility. We don't want to make the way easy for them but we don't want to send them out there with the deck stacked against them either. Thousands of parents never get that for their kids, they know that no matter what they do that deck isn't stacked against them, and they can't fix it. Thousands of parents live with that everyday, and do the very best they can with all the odds stacked against their child. It's is so heartbreaking for everyone, and I'm not one of those parents yet, and I know from my own life that even with bad cards, good things can still happen. That said, on the long nights when I can't sleep, looking at this amazing human being I've brought into this life, I can't help but be haunted, by "you should plan on".

I know I need to deal with this, and I know lots of parents don't get a few year (or decades) of denial before they have to deal with this kind of stuff, I just kind of wish I had put off the "you should just be prepared for this" discussion. I don't know how to "prepare" for it, I don't even know if preparing is a waste of time, because he will beat the odds.

Yet, and here is where I really struggle, I know that even if he does, he STILL has to deal with this, because he has to deal with me. I hate that my 8 year old knows what "depression" means, but he has to. I've read the books and memoirs about living with a parent with this kind of illness, I'm not all over the place, and certainly am not memoir material, but it is still hard, and I wish I had a way to protect him from this, both from watching me deal with it, and the possibility that he too may deal with it (and it won't be long until he starts thinking about that, I can't keep that from him). We all want to teach our children to be strong, and how to deal with the hard stuff, but this little guy has had to deal with divorce, drug abuse, and chronic mental illness with the people he loves most, and he's 8. I know it's late, and I'm tired, and stressed out, but I think he at least deserves to be able to cuddle to his hearts content without being yelled at.

I wish there was a parenting book for this, but really all parents have these moments I'm sure, the ones where you think that your child deserves better than you, and better than you can give them.

And I know morning comes, and the sun shines, and you get a big kiss, and get to give one, and everything will look better, and you will see the big picture.

But right now, I just feel sad (not depressed that is entirely different), and feel like I'm not doing such a good job at the one and only thing in my life that really matters (and hell not so good in a whole bunch of stuff that isn't that big as well).

Don't worry, I'm o.k., just needed to get this all out, because just rolling it around in my head is making it worse.

I think tomorrow, I'm going to do my walk by going up to the High School, up Main Street, and down 2nd North which will leave me really close to Yogotogo. :) While I blame this entirely on Jennie, that at least will put a smile on my face.

To close in the words of my favorite guru:

I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
And dogonit people like me.

I already feel better (but alas no tired unfortunately). But I will NOT watch the National Geographic special on "How Stress is Killing You" that is in my Netflix's queue. :)