Saying Goodbye

There are many types of goodbye's we say in our lives, thousands of casual goodbyes that we don't even think about because that is just what you say when you part, and most times you will see the person again.

There are times though when a single word like goodbye isn't quite adequate enough to really express what you want to say. Goodbye I will miss you isn't quite enough either. People always say that they are bad at saying goodbye, but really is anyone "good" at saying it, would you even want to be good at it? What would that say about you, that you have a talent for watching people walk away, or thinking of them gone? I don't think I'm bad at goodbyes as much as I just don't know how to say it, and I don't want to. I'm incredibly selfish about the good-byes that you know are going to last for a long time, I don't want to go say goodbye before they go, because they aren't going far not really, and because you can't say goodbye to someone that lives in your heart and memory.

When someone you loves dies it's not about you, but it's almost impossible to not think about it, esp. in the big picture that effects you. With Aunt Ann dying Dad has told me a couple times that "this death is personal", and I know what they mean, and selfishly as I watch this start to happen I don't want it to be me. I know how close mom and dad and Uncle Marlin and Aunt Ann have been. Since they were kids, a few days ago I drove by the old apartments in Ogden where they lived right by each other after they were both married, just starting out together, and I know they hoped, I certainly did, that growing old together would last a much longer time. Growing up when mom talked about them, they didn't even have seperate names they were "Marnann", I still remember "Marnann called" or "Marnann are going to be here in 15 minutes" (kind of like when we were growing up Marlo, and Jen were "the girls" and to them we were "the kids"). Mom and Aunt Ann were more than sister-in-laws, and growing up, honestly more than just "Aunt, Uncle, cousins" I really just felt like they were an extention of our family. I knew I was as welcome in their house as I was in my own, I felt as comfortable in their house as I did my own.

Even after all these years my "safe" place if Grandma Hills house, I can always tell when I'm feeling unsettled because I dream about Grandma Hill's house in Roy, and Aunt Ann, and Uncle Marlin's house is just an extention of it. Even now, I can make that walk in my head, I can remember the rocks we stepped on (the big red one) on the second block, the black top road toward the school, and walking past the Harris's their next door neighbors. Playing in the backyard, and my favorite memories were playing in their unfinished basement. There were big boxes down there full of dolls and doll clothes. The whole process of choosing the dolls, and then taking turns choosing clothes, then setting up our houses (Marlo and I and our babies always had to share a house, Jen always got her own). That in itself took hours, and then we would play for hours. I remember us rushing down to be first so we could get the cool house (which were just different areas of the basement) until we realized that Jen was just really good at setting up a her house, and no matter which area we ended up in, Jen always had the cool house.

I remember one time sleeping over and getting the stomach flu, and Aunt Ann bringing me up to sleep upstairs, so she could take care of me. I couldn't sleep, and she gave me a little paragoric, it tasted like licorice, and I remember taking it feeling sleepy, and I had never felt so comfortable anywhere in my life. I associated feeling safe with being at their house all my life, although in hindsight as paragoric is a form of opium (not a strong form, obviously but pretty potent for a kid) that probably contributed to the feeling. Besides home as a kid the only two other places I wanted to was at Grandma's or at their house.

I also distinctly remember Aunt Ann loving to read, she read romance novels, you would often find her in the corner, reading her book in the evening or after the house was clean. Mom never read, and so for some reason (because I loved it so much) I thought you just stopped reading anything for fun when you grew up. It was a huge relief to me to know that even moms like to curl up with a good book, Aunt Ann was the only mom i knew that did.

Aunt Ann has always been such a huge part of our lives, growing up, and every event since then, I can't imagine the world without her in it, so I won't, I will just think of her in the kitchen making shrimp salad, peas and potatoes, popped wheat (instead of popcorn, I've never had that since), or chocolate cake (Aunt Ann was a fabulous cook, but those were my favorites.)

This morning I went into my recipe box, and pulled out my chocolate cake recipe, it's hand written by mom, and says "Ann's Chocolate Cake" it;s made me cry, even more when I think that someday, hopefully in the far future, a recipe card for Aunt Ann's chocolate cake, written by mom will be one of the most precious things I own, it already is. I've also been thinking that when it''s my turn to go, that I want to be as lucky as to leave behind much love, and the best chocolate cake in the whole world. It's always been "Aunt Ann's Chocolate Cake" it always weill be, and now it will mean even more when I make it.

It's not time to say goodbye, not quite yet, so right now it seems more appropriate to use the Hebrew words for goodbye:

Shalom, Kol Tuv, L'hitraot.

Peace, be well, see you soon...