Talking Personal Philosophy

So lately I've been thinking about all kinds of different things, and one of them was some pretty major changes that I made in my personal philosophy via cognitive behavioral therapy. For those unfamilar, this therapy is about changing how you think, as people, esp. those with mood disorders have some really warped thought processes and habits, and while I will never be able to change the chemicals that cause my depression, I can change ways of viewing the world and my place in it that can make it work. I know a lot of people value talk therapy, but I've never been a fan, but this really has helped me, esp. in the times where my depression is not severe, or debilitating. I'm sure we all have thought processes and tapes we play in our heads that are destructive to us (and many of them motivate other people) so it's entirely personal.

My first one was that I stopped using the terms success and failure because I would get wrapped up in them and where I was when in fact when I really think about them they are completely meaningless. Unless it's a measurable scientific experiment saying someone is successful tells me nothing about then. A basic definition of success and failure it that a failure is not meeting an expected outcome, and a success is meeting it. Yet if my expected outcome is that my life sucks, or the world is out to get me when those things happen I'm not a success. Some people have low expectations, some high, if a person with high expectations fails are they still doing better than the person with low expectations that suceeds? As a person with depressive tendancies, I was always able to recite a list of my failures, I knew them right off the top of my head, and keeping track did me no good, and correcting that by keeping track of successes hardly helped at all. If you ask "was his a successful life" unless a person wasn't very multifaceted where would you even start? At the end of our lives no one is going to do a tally and say well he had 427 successes and 428 failures so I guess he failed. The reality is that there is and can be no objective answer, generlly we find the people that love us will down play our failures and pay attention to our successes, and those that don't will do the opposite, and neither is that "right" answer so why bother asking the question? When I find my mind going to "I'm a complete failure" I have found that quickly correcting with "it's not over yet" is all I need to do. One of my favorite quotes from Anne Shirley (from the Anne of Green Gables) to paraphrase is that each new day is a day with no mistakes in it yet. We pay consequences all the time, but each new day is a day to do something right, so why not focus on that?

The other big focus for me was taking the value out of spending our time working on focusing on our weaknesses. I know myself and a lot of people pay a lot more attention to what they aren't good at so they can try to get a bit better, than focusing on their strengths and making themselves awesome. We all have weaknesses and yes, you need to work on them if they are destroying our lives, but that is seldom the case. One of my big ones for years was shyness, for some reason I identified that part of myself as a huge problem, so I would think about ways I could overcome that, and I agonized for years about getting better at small talk, and making light conversation. And in the end with all the thinking about trying to mske myself something I'm not I never became one bit more comfortable I just became a bit better at acting. Now that I've accepted "I'm a lousey small talker, leave that to someone else" and identified that my shyness helps me observe interactions, and I'm pretty good at getting good information from not trying to make akward small talk but from hanging back a bit until I can get something more meaningful (to me). Where I'm weak someone else is strong, and let them do what needs to be done there, while I focus on really being awesome at my strengths. It was a huge thing for me at work as well, I bought into the "try to be well rounded" idea, until I was taught this, and I realized no one was ever going to notice or promote me if I tried to learn accounting, I hate it and suck at is, and yeah, I might get better than I am but not enough to make it worth it. Instead I tried to identify what I'm really good at, and spend time becoming one of the best at that. And despite my recent issues, I was able to get a job I was really good at, and I was motivated to get better, because it feels better to be really good at something than mediocre at a bunch of stuff you aren't good at. I love to bake and I'm good at it, and it is so much more rewarding to me to be able to spend 5 hours making fabulous cupcakes, than to try to use the same four hours to sew a crooked hem. I've never had any coordination at all and that's o.k., so I won't ever be good at basketball, volleyball, or dancing, my life is no less full because I just don't worry about it anymore, instead I focus on what I am good at, which is being a spectator in many of those things, and truly appreciating the talents of people that are good. Sure there are things I suck at but enjoy, like art, so I do that for fun, but I would never spend the vast majority of my time and money trying to be a better painter, my time and money is much better spend elsewhere while I paint for me without feeling any pressure. Plus by turning my attention to my strengths I have found I'm good at stuff I would have never thought, I actually enjoy public speaking and I'm good at it, I love to teach, and I'm good at it. In the past few years I've found that I really enjoy life sciences, once I got past the fact that I'm not all that good at chemistry or physics (which is where I stopped) I found that I love medical science, forensic science, etc. and I'm actually good at it. Our Heavenly Father gave all of us amazing talents, none of us got skipped, and it really is sad to watch someone with a natural flair for something ignore it because it's "too easy" and spend all their time focusing on something that was harder but not better for them. What if Mozart decide music was too easy for him, and he need to focus on his weakneses (which is kind of scary), or decide that despite what he felt, he was going to be a painter? Not everyone is great, but I think that most true greats followed their strengths, and that is as it should be. The reality is that some talents get paid more than others, and performance of any kind is going to be an obvious talent, but none are inferior, professional basketball players get a lot of attention, but it's not better than really developing a flair for color, or a natural empathy for others, or the abiity to listen with an open heart. Sure "pure compassion" is hard at a talent show, but no one could deny what a wonderful talent it is. It worked out much better for me to focus on being the funny one instead of the cute one. I know for years I tended to confuse hard work with just hard, that somehow I really proved something by suffering through something when in fact I hadn't, I don't like digging ditches, but I love to be at the food pantry, I hardly think that my service is less valuable because I did something I loved instead of something I hated. In fact I do find it frustrating how limited our view of what is a talent sometimes can be, how some things that people are good at are completely dismissed, my current pet peeve is the implication that being good at technology isn't a real talent, technology is of major importance in the world, I can't imagine saying "get away from that computer, go paint a picture" to someone with a touch for technology, but that does seem to be o.k. People that have been good at video games have changed our world, the world needs art but it also needs Steve Jobs, it needs ballet, and engineering, it needs hip-hop and ballet, it even needs classical and rap.

Finally I gave up the idea that suffering makes me noble, like I got some super special gift because there is an intense amount of mental suffering with my illness. Suffering just sucks and should be avoided at all costs, I'm not one of those people that they are better for suffering, I'm not, I thought I was for a long time, but as I get older I just find it has aged me too fast. I would be much more noble having the understanding and compassion I have for mental illness, without the bitterness, exhaustion, and fear. So much suffering in this world should not ever have to be experienced by anyone, I for one would be more than happy to have a world of weaker people if we could take all the strength away learned from horror. Suffering breaks a lot of people that otherwise would have had so much to give, in fact some of the best people in the world are least able to suffer. I've heard that many times about the holocaust, that the strong people survived but the good people died. Strength isn't always what it is cracked up to be, I would give up a hell of a lot of strength to give away some experiences I've had, the ones that made me strong are the ones I carry alone, because I had to live it, it needs no more life. I don't want to be strong in that way, I want to be vulnerable and able to talk about my life without feeling I need to protect people. Obviously weakness isn't great, but there is point where strong is too much, and expecting people to survive things to get strong as if that's a good thing is unfair. I can't think of one thing I've learned through suffering that I couldn't have learned in a more pleasant way, or at least in a way that I feel I can talk about. Suffering is part of life, and it finds us just fine without us seeking it out, a talented happy artist is just as good as one that suffers for his work. Suffering isn't a contest there is always someone somewhere suffering more than someone else, suffering is ugly, and soul destroying, no matter how much those that have suffered look like they are better and stronger. I have found that while I'm stronger myself, I'm also weak, because I literally can't deal with basic human suffering, I have had to ignore Japan altogether because I literally can't deal with it if I think about it. Frankly I was a much better person when I wasn't so strong, when I felt things without them overwhelming me. That fact that I selfishly have to look away from other people suffering because I feel it too deeply doesn't exactly scream noble. For too long I reveled in suffering, lived in it, felt great everytime I came out on the other side, and believe myself to be a step ahead of other people with "easy" live, after all hard lives is what makes personal growth, but I never will again, its just wrong. Jesus suffering for us was his gift to us, not a way to exhault himself, he suffered worse than anyone ever has, to take part of our suffering, and I would think that anyone suffering would hope that their suffering might remove a bit from someone else, it's just as important to embrace the moments of peace, as it is to live through the hard stuff. I'm sure anyone that has suffered on any level truly knows how precious and sometimes few those moments are, we need to spread them around as much as we can.

That said I don't spend a lot of time worrying about "should do" and "must do", and more time with "want to do" which seems to be considered a weakness. Somehow a lot of us seem to believe that doing stuff we admit we want to makes us bad people. The more we do we don't want to the better somehow we are. Really though, that isn't true even if we've internalized that rather sad idea. The bottom line is that non-crazy people really don't do things they don't want to do, going through hell is something no one wants to do, being self destructive over and over is something no one wants to do and frankly like suffering dealing with that kind of stuff is overwhelming. To do that to yourself if you csn control it is disturbing and frankly the majority of people in the world would not for a second consider doing sutt they don't want to do unless it's part of a bigger picture that is to their advantage and that is the way it should be. Most people do a lot of things in life they would rather not, but I can't imagine why anyone would do that as a philsophy of "I'm doing things that I really don't want to" they do those things to get them to a bigger goal, or to avoid an even more painful consequence. Having spent way too much of my life doing stuff I don't want to do, that had no reward at the end, and were beyond my control, I have no idea why a person would do that on purpose. I don't want to deal with loosing my house not having a job, thinking of myself as disabled, and not knowing how bad it might get. I can't imagine anyone that didn't have to do it thinking any of that is a good idea. Working hard and doing even the stuff you don't want to do is dedication to a goal, it's focusing on the big picture, and not demanding instant gratifiation. But it is still done not just to learn about doing stuff you don't want to do, it's done to get you somewhere you want to be. Not even the most disiplined person would wake up everyday to just do what they hate, and don't want to do for nothing, that isn't growth, that is punishment a pretty greek style punishment. Even our strengths have things that are harder for us, I love to cook but I have in irrational hatred for chopping things, I do it because it's a small piece of a bigger win, but what would be the point if I just got up everyday and chopped stuff and leave it there, just to chop more the next day? That would be a horrifying life, it sucks bad enough with an illness, but to choose that? Musts and shoulds are the same things, there are very few things I must do, or that can't wait, until a better time if I get a better offer. Very few moments in our lives are life and death, and that is really what a must is. Shoulds are just ways to make ourselves feel unworthy, don't spend time thinking "I should do XXX" either do it or find something else that needs to be done that you will do, if "I should" is going through your head, you change that to "I'm going to". I should load the dishwasher still has me here on my blog doing something I was enjoying but now feel guilty about. I'm going to go load the dishwasher after I finish my blog lets me enjoy this, and get the dishwasher loaded.

I know my illness colors my perception, but sometime what is frustrating to me is watching people that can enjoy their lives choosing to make them more difficult in some misguided belief it will make them a better person. I hate to watch people get bogged down in a list of things that aren't that important in the big picture in the false belief that doing that instead of something they love makes them a better person. I hate watching people spend all their time talking about, thinking about, worrying about their weaknesses, instead of celebrating their strengths. I've been blessed there are some horrible things in the world, but so many people get stuck with suffering and horror in their lives, if you didn't (and compared to so many that is true for me) then grab every blessed moment you can enjoy, and do stuff you love, that you are good at, and that you are passionate about. I know most people don't think of it that way, but choosing to make your life harder than it will be (and it will be we all struggle with something, thank goodness not inhuman suffering for most of us) no matter who you are (and I have done that) is refusing the gifts you have been given. The bad stuff will come it's a gift to learn to enjoy every single solitary second that bad stuff isn't there. Life ia a test it is hard, but it's not suppose to be endlessly painful until we die, for some there is admiration for pain and distain for the perception of a blessed life. That is messed up, a bleesed life take work, just like any other, there is nothing I hate worse than hearing "well if anything actually bad happened they would fall apart, everything is easy for them." I think those people would do what everyone else does, they would deal with it, but why in heaven's name would one wish that on anyone. I don't believe my problems are blessings they are my tests and I agreed to take this test, it is mine and I try not to compare at all. I have no idea what happened before I came here that made this test appropropriate for me, but it was my choice to come, and to do this, and to do it without worrying about other people's test. I have no idea what passing this test looks like either, I do my best, but I'm far from perfect, and I often really mess up, being imperfect is good company to be in, all the great people have the same issue that we all share. I truly believe we should cut ourselves a break, and not look at the worst of us, or concentrate on our failures. I can tell you that from my POV all the people I love are amazing successes in their lives, and I won't hear a word otherwise. I know a lot of almost perfect people which is a blessing.

What ideas that you had for many years, did you give up (or add) as you've gotten older that have really made a huge difference in how you see the world? How have your experiences shaped the way you feel about suffering, success, failure, and what makes you a better person?

Most importantly in what areas do you believe people are way too hard on themeselves so they can start messages that will make that better? Sin is real but between us and our savior, love is what we share with everyone, and sometimes I think we reverse that we talk about sin a lot, but keep the love quiet. I trust that people deal with their sin and repent, so that is not mine to worry about, what is mine is just to figure out how to love. In that we are so lucky as humans, we have to live our test but we are here to learn love, how awesome is that when you really think about it? I don't for one second have to worry about how people screw up, which is good because worrying about myself is a full time job. Bottom line is that we need to tell each other how awesome we are, and sometimes we forget what our job is with each other, and what the Saviors job is with us as individuals, I know I for one sometimes do that, the only thing worse than dwelling on our own weaknesses is dwelling on someone else's.

Oh and I still can't see any blogs including my own I can just post, anyone have the faintest idea what would cause that, it's totally random but I can rarely view anymore.