Changing Like the Weather

There has always been a joke floating around Utah, that if you don’t like the weather it’s o.k., it will change in 10 minutes. That joke pretty much describes me right now, if I don’t like how I’m feeling (or if you ask me) well don’t worry it will change in about 10 minutes. I know how concerned everyone is about all of us, me, Jake and Rob as well, and I love you all and appreciate the concern, so as much as I don’t feel like blogging right now, just needed to take a minute, a calm minute, to say how we are doing.

My MO has always been that no matter what is going on, if you ask how I’m doing I will say fine, and that is true now as well, and for the most part I am fine, because really what other option is there? Stuff has to get done, money has to get made, work needs to get done, bills have to get paid, and I have a sweet 5 year old that needs to be taken care of, and needs to feel that even though his life has changed dramatically at the core, he is still safe and secure. There just aren’t enough hours in the day right now to get to everything done, and sometimes not enough energy even when there is enough time. I’m still working on stupid little things like getting all the utilities in my names, a process which can be as easy as giving them a call (the gas company) to a process that requires I actually prove I live in the house, and show up between their rather limited hours for people that have an actual job that requires an 1 ½ hour hour commute everyday (and they are of course closed on weekends). I spent a lovely 10 minutes on the phone with the car loan people explaining that one doesn’t normally get “7 days advance notice” when a bank account is closed under circumstances that really aren’t any of their business. Their helpful advice of “well next this happens please give us 7 days advance notice” wasn’t much appreciated either.

I’m so thankful to the many people that have been so super helpful the last couple week. Mom and Dad for being listening ears, having to listen to more then they needed to, and for letting me stay there until I was ready to go home, mowing my lawn, and helping change locks. Rob’s mom, for listening to me, and for loving me, even though I know that this is really hard on her, and no matter what Rob is her baby, just like Jake is mine. Nikki and Clint for taking Jake so he didn’t have to go to collect the car full for scary stuff from the scary motel, for taking us to dinner, and Clint for helping with our sprinkling system (although I may need a follow up lesson on that one apparently I’m flooding out the neighbor behind us). Ryan and Jen for taking Jake, and for the “pick my up shirt” which I am currently wearing. Jeff and Richelle for the nice get away dinner date night, just when I needed it. Jer and Jen for being listening ears, and Jer for the retail therapy day at Sam’s Club. And finally a big huge thanks to Scott and Circe, Circe for literally being willing to take care of Jake everyday for the rest of his natural life if I needed it, and for making me feel like having him is a gift to them instead of a debt that I will owe them for the rest of my life. He just feels like a part of the family, and I know the routine is really helping to normalize what isn’t a normal situation, he can’t wait to get up and play with his “friends” everyday, and see what new fun thing is going one.. Scott, thank you so much for all the legal help, I have no idea what I would have done, well I guess I do know, but it would have come with a hefty price tag, and not nearly as much brotherly advice and love. I haven’t even started on the many wonderful listening ears at work, and from friends, that are telling me I can do this, and that I’m doing the right thing. The 2 things that I can’t seem to hear often enough, because some days I’m not sure I can, and even more often I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing.


We are really so very blessed, there are so many people in similar situations that don’t have even ¼ of the resources that I have to deal with all of this. The big “D” word (which I still can’t bring myself to type it out) isn’t easy on anyone, and so far (because I’ve looked rather obsessively) everything I’m feeling, and doing falls well into the normal range. Mostly because of the circumstances, I miss Rob, the one I know and love and I just wish I could wish this all away, and I can’t and that hurts, and it’s not going to stop hurting for a long time, for either of us, or for Jake. I know as “fine” as I am, and as blessed as I am, there are just some things that only time heals, and some things that don’t ever really “heal” they just become things you manage to live with comfortably. I’m sure someday the house won’t feel so empty, that I won’t start crying every time someone looks at me, that looking at the kitchen floor won’t make me sob, that I won’t automatically put shirts Rob’s size in my cart when I see them on sale, that deleting all the DVR settings for M*A*S*H won’t break my heart, and that I will quit buying that stupid pepperoni that I don’t even like before I realize no is home to eat it.

As for Rob, I don’t want to invade his privacy; his side is his to tell. I wish he was doing better, I wish we weren’t in this situation, and that none of these choices even needed to be made, but please everyone just send a lot of prayers his way, he really needs them; much more than I do at this point.